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My time has ended.

February 11, 2012

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Mom and Dad carried me outside, to be among my favorite trees, on the hill where I can look out over my home.  I am on my blanket, on an overcast day.  There are a couple of people here who I haven’t seen in a while, my vet Dr. Daas, and my friend Sabrina.    Mom tells me how wonderful of a boy I am, how she will love me all of her life.  She gives her heart to me to hold.  Dad tells me he loves me, how special I am.  They have to take my time now, so it will stop my pain.  She says it is okay for me to go, that she wants me to. Mom tells me that I may see her cry but not to worry, she will be okay too.  She tells me how precious I am.  I feel the pinch of a needle as Dr. Daas leans over my leg.

I feel light, and am suprised to be floating above my mom, who is holding onto me with tears and cries out loud.  I am floating through the tree’s now, upward, starting to soar.  I hear my Mom’s cries and try to hesitate even though the pull is very strong.  I look down and there she is, her face looking up to mine.  She says, “it is okay my beautiful boy, I love you Sammy”.  I feel bad about leaving her crying but I continue to rise. ” Mom”, I tell her ,” don’t cry!  I can’t seem to come back!  I am okay, you said you would be okay too.” It disturbs me to leave her, but I soar on. I feel such peace, such love coming to me from below and all around.  I hear barking, it sounds so familiar.

Faster and faster I fly, surrounded by love.  The fog clears and ahead of me I see the smiling face of my sister Shy!  She is excitedly wagging her tail and barking her encouragement.  Next to her is her mother, Jazzy, looking sleek and young.   I am racing!  I realize that I am running now, my tail streaming, my feet swift.  I rush into the middle of my family and we greet each other with joy, sniffing, wagging our tails.  I am in a meadow, and the sky is so blue.

A young man comes up to me walking from the tree line.  He has a fishing pole and a beautiful rust colored dog with him.  He says, “I am your Grandpa, your Mom called to me and asked me to meet you here.  This is my dog Rusty, we were going to go out and see what’s biting.  Do you want to come?”  He strokes my fur and I say hello.  I finally notice… I am not limping!  Someone brought my leg back… wow.   I have no pain.  I feel like running and running!  At the edge of the meadow, to the west of the trees over a rise I can smell the ocean.  I look at my Grandpa and I don’t have to say anything, he just seems to know that I want to be with my pack for a bit.  He smiles and says welcome, then wanders off towards the hill.

I race around and around my girls, wiggling and making so much noise because I am so glad to see them again.  Jazzy perks her ears up and looks over my shoulder.  I could hear the sound of many feet.  I turn around and see a huge crowd of people and dogs coming towards me.  I wag my tail uncertainly as a big muscular male dog with a black face gets close.  We sniff each other and I feel no fear, as though nothing bad could happen here.  He tells me his name is Fortis, and his people Brett and Pattie let him know I was coming.  In the throng more faces peered at me, coming out and introducing themselves.  Tails wagged and I could smell the ocean on many of them.  Names of dogs I have never met but heard before, Abby, JD, the Golden girls, a girl dog with a pink cape, she calls herself  The Woo, a big German Shepperd named Jerry, Gus, and a red dog who tells me that he is looking for pennies for his mom that the best ones are down at the beach, a big black dog who could be my brother his name is Super Cooper,  so many dogs to explore!  I look to my left and a beautiful shiny black girl dog is waiting her turn.  I smell her and it hits me.  I have smelled her before but we had never met!  It is my girl, my beautiful girl Gayle.  I am smiling my biggest sheepish grin, my back end wagging my whole body.   Hi pretty girl, I say in my mind.

The people with them are their family and friends, it all becomes clear to me.  They are here with these dogs to meet me.  Mom must have set up a suprise party!  I think of my Mom and wonder when she will get here. I don’t want her to be sad. I lift my nose in the air and try to smell her, I just get a hint of something on my fur.   I look back over my shoulder wondering if I can still see her, but all I see are tree’s.   She said she gave me her heart, I have given her mine.  In my head I try and send a message to her,”Peas and Carrots Mommy”,  that whenever she feels it thumping in her chest like the sound of my tail on the floor, “remember that I love you Mom.  Remember me”.  I can feel her answer, “You have my heart too my precious boy, every time it beats, remember how much I love you”.

I feel so excited, my body is whole again!  I want to race over the meadow, up the hill, I want to smell   and see the ocean.  I look at Jazzy and Shy, “Lets go find Grandpa” I think to them.  My feet dig into the dirt, my heart pounds,  and we race through the crowd, laughing, smiling from ear to ear.

 

 

 

Just like that it is over.  My prayer is that this vision I have of him leaving is true. It has been two months since Sammy has been able to do more than hobble out to go potty, I dream of his racing feet.  I hold Sammy’s body, wanting to turn back the clock.  I want our nine and a half years back.  I want a do over.  I am so alone.  I stand up wrap my arms around my husband and cry.  I can feel my heart beating in my chest, it hurts but makes me smile.  I will love Sammy with every beat, for the rest of my life.

Elizabeth

 

 


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There is that word again, the one that I have such a hard time understanding.  Mom says time with me is growing short, but I don’t know what that means.  She says that she loves me more than herself, loves me enough to take away the pain, to end my time.  I keep thinking hard about it, I look at her and wag my tail, I show her that I am trying.  I have long pondered what time means.  Didn’t she used to tell me that she was trying so hard to give me more time?  Why does she want to take it back now?  She says “Mets” has finally come to the party, he has come to my shoulder and makes it hurt and now he is in my lungs.  He must be pretty sneaky and small because I have never even seen him.  She says the reason why she wants my time is because he is stealing it and she will take me away from that before he can eat me up.   Is he like those caterpillars I see that eat the leaves sometimes?  I don’t want to be like the leaves!

This is me outside and enjoying my time, thinking about what Mom says.

what is my time?

My grandmother has always been a huge help to Mom when it comes to anything “me” related.  When I first got my leg stolen, grandmother found this cart thing for “in case of emergencies”.  Mom and Dad use it now for me to wheel me outside, so I don’t have to walk as far.  I like it, you can see in the picture that I am very proud to ride on my throne!

I know what "Potty time" is!

Yesterday was a really good day for me, I was super happy and all smiles and funny antic’s when my Mom came home.  Dad and I spent the day outside in the sun, and I rolled over on my back for plenty of belly rubs from everyone but my brother.  I love these moments, all, each and every one.  I would do anything for my Mom, so if she needs time back, I will of course be the best dog in the world and give it to her.  I wonder what happens when she takes all the time?  She says she is making a list of what she wants to say.  She says she is surrounding me with love.   Until she takes my time, I will be right here, loving her and Dad, and even my brother.

Love and hugs to all my friends,

Sammy

 

 

Mom and I haven’t updated our blog in awhile because she has been so busy with life.  No one else would take my dictation, so I have had to wait until she was available.  A couple of months ago I started walking funny, kind of like a crab.  I have seen these before down at the big water and have enjoyed their smells but not the way they move.   They must all be in pain to walk sideways and in a C fashion, I feel badly for them all!

More recently I have been unable to walk at all.  This has been an adjustment that I find disheartening!  I love to watch the world go by outside, bark at the other dogs, and make sure the stupid squirrel gets out of my yard, but I can’t seem to do any of that.  Mom knows millions of words, but she doesn’t seem to know what I have been trying to tell her.  I hurt!  I hurt, I hurt.  Can you fix me mom?  I want to go outside and play again, I want to see the world and check more stuff off of our bucket list.

Instead of fixing me, she has been taking me to see a man who pokes me with lots of needles!  I have proof of it right here:

I am not happy right now... grrrr...

If that wasn’t enough, she got the guy to start popping my neck and back around!  I wasn’t happy about that either.  I told mom the last time we were in the clinic that this was going to be the last time I let him do that to me FOR SURE.  It took mom and another bigger lady to hold me down, I was going to leave and go home, even if it meant I walked the whole way!!  Next, mom decides to teach me how to swim again… isn’t she listening?  FIX ME PLEASE.

Instead I get this:

This is kinda fun... shhhh, don't tell!

After the water stuff was over, I was so exhausted and in pain that I couldn’t even make it to my bed.  Dad had to carry me into the house and I yelled at Mom and Dad when they tried to take off my harness and move me.  I just couldn’t be touched right then.  I laid halfway on the bed and halfway on the floor for a couple of hours before Dad could finally get me all the way on the bed.  I was too tired and hurt too much to even drink water.  Mom put the little bowl up to my face and I managed to get my tongue in it from a lying down position.  It took a long time to fill me up that way.  Here is my picture of afterwards, proof positive Mom isn’t listening!

Don't....touch..... me. I just swam a marathon.

Okay Mom, pay attention.  You used to be so good at listening.  Good girl, there you are.  Can you help me please?  Mom says I have an appointment with my friend Dr. Pam this morning and she will know what to do.  Mom can’t go with me this morning because she has to work.  Dad will take me, but Mom has written down a to do list.  I don’t think she understands I may not be up for traveling… I love Pam, but I didn’t eat my breakfast and there was no pain pill to help take the edge off.  Fooey.  I would do anything for my Mom, anything.  Why is it she is asking so much from me?  I think I will yell at Dad about this, especially when he puts my harness on.    Wish me luck my friends, I think it is time for Mom to pay attention again.  She is so distracted!  I will let you know what Pam says.

Love to you all,

Sammy

 

 

?action=view&current=3040280513492_ORIG.mp4

I just wanted to let all my friends know that I am still having a great time, killing octopus’s, playing with my brother, making lots of my best noises, and loving every minute I get to spend with my family!

14 months, now I have a beautiful girlfriend, I have lots of friends on-line, I have my best friend forever Lincoln, my family like JD’s mom, my great friend Pam, and so much more to celebrate.   I look forward to each moment, and I am having the time of my life.  I still haven’t gotten the stupid squirrel in the yard though, nor have I gotten down to the beach so there are plenty of things on my bucket list left to do.  In the spring mom says grandmother will probably spring for a spa day for me…. not sure if that is going to be a good thing or not, but everything in my life is really wonderful, so I guess that must be wonderful too.  I will have to let you know.

In any case, have one on me!  Here is to a great day, I am so excited to see what suprises mom might have in store 🙂

Love Sammy

 

Love hurts. Why?

September 11, 2011

Why do you keep having Pam poke me mom?  I know there was a lump on my side, you kept rubbing it so of course I know.  I see you are smiling, I must have made you happy with my lumps, but why do you have my friend Pam poke them?  Does that make you happy?  I love you so much that it hurts me sometimes, like when I let Pam stick needles in me and be a good boy because I love you.  Love hurts, but you smile, and even though I hurt, it is worth it to see you smile.

Pam says the lump was “aspirated and no cancer cells present”.  I made all my girls smile with that one!  I am now at home, cozy on my bed, with the a/c blaring the hot day away.  My job was tough today, needles, nails, and butt squeezing.  I think even though I love mom, I might be just a tad annoyed with her, so I will just nap this feeling away.  

don’t touch me, the A/C feels so good..

  Mom, please tell everyone why you are happy, I am just too tired to say anything else… Love to my friends,  Sammy

 

 

 

video

 

 

This fight with cancer and Sammy’s day to day moments have been the most poignant days of my life.  Because my husband and I don’t have children I have never had to make these types of choices for another, to be responsible in this way for another soul.  I have learned so much.  Sammy and I have a deeper bond, a more beautiful love, a better friendship then I have ever had before.  I have been so blessed.  I am also grateful in the biggest way to have met so many of you, for all of your friendships, and to know that their are many others out in this world who love their furry family the same way. 

To Sammy, thank you for being here with me today to celebrate this one year mark.  It means every good thing in the world!  Elizabeth

I love you so much mom, just like you love me!
Sweet and funny boy, my love

   Sammy

 
Eyes so bright 
hazel and light
twinkling and joyous
forever happy for us
 
Black fur long and soft
shiny in the sun
tail wagging
fun on the run
 
scampering and playful
a sight to behold
teeth white
smiles alight
 
charms and hugs
comfort like a drug
within his soul
my heart he does hold
 
soft sounds he mutters
non-stop whimpers
high pitched agreement
sweet notes this boy utters
 
dog of my heart
never far from my thoughts
fear abounds
 of when we might part
 
my best friend
furry faced smiles from beginning to end
I am grateful and thankful
this love will not rend
 
it maybe heartwrenching
the last moments of tending
but thoughts I prefer
are of  his great life,
not of his ending.
 
 
Mom says she has never loved another creature like she loves me.  That makes me wiggle and smile!  I love you too mom.
 
 

happy boy 🙂  Check out this video Mom made of me running along in the morning sun.  My brother and I  like to go down to the lower pasture first thing in the morning and sniff and bark at the world waking up.  I just love being me!  2 weeks from my 1 year ampuversary and going strong.  Take that cancer, I am too fast for you!!!

Sammy

Well, (drum roll)  they took pictures of my back left leg that was bothering me and it turns out I just have an infection from a pressure point, NO CANCER ANYWHERE IN THE LEG!  Yay and hoorah for me!!  I am going to be on antibiotics for a couple of weeks then Mom is going to have to figure out how to wrap it, to keep me from pushing off on it and setting myself up for my pressure point owies.  Yay!

Bad news… My brother has a traechial problem.  It is called Laryngeal Paralysis and the good news is it is in the beginning stages.  The bad news is his lungs are infected and he has lots of pills to take.  The way Pam described it is something in the body no longer works, (Mommy can’t remember if it is muscles, or tendons, or what)  and it makes his windpipe not be able to open or close properly.  He brings in lots of extra stuff  (pollens and whatnot) trying to get air to his body, which create an infection in his lungs.  No wonder he has had no appetite, he hasn’t wanted to play.  Mom says this is what killed our beloved Jazzy, her windpipe just shut one day, and she never came back from the vet.  BUT, with the medicine that Pam gave us, there is a good chance we can keep this problem from escalating, and when the pollens dissapear, it may go away on its own.  It won’t reverse itself, but Pam is an amazing person with lots of knowledge, so I believe her when she says it can be controlled.  Titan’s x-rays showed he doesn’t have any arthritis even though he is 10 years old, and he has no cancer anywhere either!

So, lets celebrate Yay for no cancer!

Hugs for the good and not so good updates,

Sammy

I am loved

July 22, 2011

I have had leg issues lately.   I am laying here tonight in the cool evening, across from the fan and in total enjoyment of the Pacific NW weather.  It is 67 degrees and so perfect for a long haired boy like me.  For the last couple of weeks I have been licking my back left leg.  Mom has been worried and had my friend Pam look at it when we saw her at the PNW tripawds meet. 

She didn’t see anything wrong, but the licking continues.  Monday, which is sometime that isn’t now, Mom is going to drive me to see my friend Pam.  Mom also Pm’ed Pam tonight because my big brother Titan isn’t eating well and getting sick when he does it.  He has lost energy and seems to breath hard for the little effort he puts out. 

So, Mom hopes that you all send the best energy in the world and the most sincere prayers that it is nothing, that I am still kicking cancers butt and my big brother is doing well too.  I seem to have been made to be the most perfect dog for her and she loves me as much as she loves herself, maybe more.  I don’t want to let her down! 

Pray and think great thoughts,

Love, your friend Sammy  

this is me enjoying the fan!